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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26584354">Phone Call (Mid-October 1993)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salmoneili/pseuds/Salmoneili'>Salmoneili</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>HACF: Cam and Joe are just messing me up ... [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Halt and Catch Fire</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cam's impatient - Joe has too many clothes on, Don't make me later for work, F/M, Hotel Sex, Moving In Together, Sweet/Hot, Unwelcome friends, Whiskey Sour, bathtime</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:35:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,690</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26584354</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salmoneili/pseuds/Salmoneili</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>S04E02 end<br/>Mid-Oct 1993<br/>What happened after Joe entered Cam’s hotel room after they reconnected on the phone.<br/>She reflects on various past events such as the weekend everyone met up to discuss Donna's idea, later her confession to Tom and how she felt after seeing Joe at Gordon's 40th.<br/>Cam inadvertently brings up some painful past memories for him.<br/>How will he react?<br/>Is their burgeoning reconnection already in jeopardy?<br/>Warnings: sweet slow smut and discussions of suicide - will warn in chapters<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cameron Howe/Joe MacMillan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>HACF: Cam and Joe are just messing me up ... [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929043</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Invite</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What happened when Joe came a calling, again.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Joe now lives in San Jose, I made it so in COMDEX 90 and kept it, believe this is different to the show. Thanks SimplyRali for pointing that out.<br/>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>************************[S04E02 end]***************************FROM THE SHOW*********************************************************</p><p>‘Oh! Do you see that?’</p><p>‘What?’</p><p>[Gasps] ‘The <em>moon</em>.’ Cam replied, ‘Look out your window.’</p><p>‘No, I think the hill’s blocking it.’</p><p>‘Oh, that’s too bad. It’s so beautiful from here.’</p><p>Joe looks at her game, on his screen, the pilgrim is standing in her own universe. He thinks it’s actually Cam, unique, fierce and beautiful, ready to face whatever lies ahead.</p><p>*******************************************************************************************************************************************</p><p>Ch 1</p><p>Cam was staring at the full moon though the hotel window, and without thinking said, ‘It’s getting late …’</p><p>It had just been an observation, but she was reminded of the balcony at COMDEX nearly three years ago now, before their last night together.</p><p>‘Ahh ... yeah …’ came his hesitant reply, he sounded distant all of a sudden.</p><p><em>Shit</em>.</p><p>‘I didn’t mean I want you to go, it just came out, looking at the moon, is all …’ she went quiet, knowing she was babbling.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck!</em>
</p><p>What did she want?</p><p>
  <em>Him.</em>
</p><p>But she was too nervous to say it.</p><p>She’d fallen asleep to his voice last night and he’d been in her head ever since.</p><p>Well not just today.</p><p>She wondered if he’d ever really been out of it since she’d met him back in 1983.</p><p>Had she always been under his spell? She wondered.</p><p>She didn’t want this to end, whatever this was, and she was sure he felt the same.</p><p>They’d been on the phone for practically 24 hours now, even though they’d both slept though part of it. Neither of them seemed to be the one to end it and put the phone down.</p><p>It’d started when he’d called to apologise for the way he spoke to her two days ago in the basement of CalNect.</p><p>Although, he’d had every right to have been angry, he’d been waiting five months for a new bugless version of the Loadstar browser from her.</p><p>Neither Joe or Gordon had known about her break-up with Tom and she’d been avoiding both of their calls and emails.</p><p>That he was saying sorry, when it should have been her, gave her hope that he still felt something.</p><p>She hadn't been sleeping well since she'd last seen him, she hadn't been expecting his rejection and didn't know how to make things right again.</p><p>Joe’d just thought she’d forgotten about them and was solely focused on her new game, Pilgrim.</p><p>She didn’t know how he’d got a copy, he obviously still had some industry contacts, but he’d started off by asking her for playing tips, which she wasn’t going to reveal, not to him, not to anyone.</p><p>That was the bone of contention with Atari too.</p><p>Now it was the following evening.</p><p>‘OK … well … ah …’ he sounded nervous too.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>Her mind raced for something to keep the conversation going.</p><p>They’d talked about so many things during the day, although, they'd both avoided the thing they most wanted to talk about: their feelings for each other.</p><p>Both having learned early on that feelings made you weak and gave others power over you.</p><p>And being rejected was something that both were keen to avoid, keen to avoid the feeling they weren't good enough.</p><p>They spoke at the same time:</p><p>‘Hey, do …’ [Cam] ... ‘Well how …' [Joe]</p><p>‘Sorry! What?’ she asked with nervous laugh.</p><p>‘Oh, no, er, you first,’ always the gentleman, she thought smiling.</p><p>‘Umm … OK … I just wondered … if you … wanted ... to come over here and look at the moon with me?’ she rushed out the last part.</p><p>That wasn’t what she was really asking him, and he’d know that.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>Although, she could swear she could hear him thinking.</p><p>‘Oh … err … sure.' Pause. 'You’re sure?’</p><p>‘Yes.’ she whispered into the receiver, hoping to sound seductive, but it came out more like a croak.</p><p>Silence again.</p><p>Had he heard her?</p><p>‘Yes, I’m sure.’ she repeated more firmly.</p><p>She wanted him; she was sure of that.</p><p>The tension was palpable, the stakes were high.</p><p>She’d been waiting too long.</p><p>She suppressed a giggle, to hide her nerves.</p><p>The air seemed to crackle like an electrical storm when they were around each other.</p><p>She was sure that he felt the same way.</p><p>The day spent on the phone been good for them, a test in a way, to see if they had anything in common aside from the physical.</p><p>But there was still silence down the line now, and she quickly sobered.</p><p>‘Um … Joe?’</p><p>‘Sorry … umm ... Yes, I’d love to see it,' he was playing along with her ruse, 'Where are you staying?’</p><p>Oh yeah, he needed to know that, <em>duh</em> ...</p><p>She gave him the details.</p><p>‘I know it. I’ll be there in about 20 minutes, OK?’</p><p>‘OK!’ she agreed quickly, before he could change his mind, or she did.</p><p>‘OK.’ he said softly, in his velvety bedroom voice, and it gave her goose bumps.</p><p>‘OK, <em>bye</em>.’ that was too eager, she thought as she finally put the receiver back in its cradle.</p><p>She stared at the phone for a moment, he was really coming ...</p><p>Wow.</p><p>Wait!</p><p>20 minutes?</p><p>
  <em>Fuck!</em>
</p><p>She hadn’t showered today. What must she look like?</p><p>Panic set in, she dismissed the idea of calling him back and asking for more time.</p><p>Besides, she didn’t know his home number.</p><p>They were going to have sex for sure, so there was no time for one now, but she could at least wash parts of herself to freshen up.</p><p>She ran to the bathroom, tearing off her tee-shirt and panties.</p><p>8 minutes later, she re-emerged, sprayed her armpits, and put on a new pair of undies, but kept on the same big comfy tee-shirt.</p><p>She hadn’t worn a bra all day and there seemed little point now.</p><p>She grabbed the trash can and frantically set about collecting the remnants of the days-worth of room service and snacks that were strewn about. She put all the crockery and glasses on a tray together and threw a towel over it. Not perfect, but better.</p><p>She picked various pieces of clothing off the floor. She stuffed them carelessly into her suitcase and zipped it up.</p><p>She re-stacked the brown boxes, which contained most of her stuff that she’d brought back from Japan. At least they were all against one wall again.</p><p>The room looked more presentable.</p><p>God, was she trying to impress him?</p><p>It was just <em>Joe</em>.</p><p>The clean freak, she added.</p><p>But it wasn’t as if he didn’t know what she was like, they had sort of lived together before.</p><p>Although, she’d got tidier in the intervening years. She’d never be up to his high standards.</p><p>She felt like a crazy person, the butterflies in her stomach were starting to make her feel sick.</p><p>OK, OK, calm down. You want to look relaxed when he gets here, she thought to herself.</p><p>She estimated that she had about 7 minutes until he arrived. He was annoyingly punctual, unlike her.</p><p>She sat on the edge of her bed and breathed deeply.</p><p>Get a grip, she chided.</p><p>Goddamn it, girl!</p><p>He wanted to be with her as much as she did with him … right?</p><p>Of course he did. She needed to stop over-thinking it and just let ‘this’ evolve naturally.</p><p>She was so antsy. She decided try to relax by sitting on the bed, resting back against the bedstead.</p><p>Not that she could.</p><p>Her eyes skirted the room, and she got up again and flicked the various light switches until she was happy, leaving only the two bedside lamps on.</p><p>Perfect, mood lighting, not too dark or too bright.</p><p>She spotted her mini wine bottle and downed the remnants with relish, enjoying the feeling of numbness that spread through her.</p><p>That was better.</p><p>She idly pulled back the bed cover to check the sheets and found a few crumbs.</p><p>Fuck!</p><p>She jumped off again, pulling the cover with her, quickly wiping them away. She quickly straightened out the creases and patted it down while checking for any more evidence of her eating in bed.</p><p>God, she could be such a fucking pig sometimes.</p><p>She smoothed it back and sat back on the bed.</p><p>3-minute warning.</p><p>Breath, Cam, breath.</p><p>God, she’d been thinking about him since COMDEX ‘90.</p><p>She hadn’t been able to shake him off after they reconnected.</p><p>It wasn’t just the sex, the mind-blowing sex, they’d had most of that night, which had left her tired and sore for days.</p><p>He’d got even better at it than before and that was saying something.</p><p>Although, she thought that he’d purposely pulled out all the stops, so she wouldn’t be able to forget him afterwards.</p><p>There was always an angle with Joe.</p><p>He’d needn’t have worried, unfortunately, sex with Tom had never come close.</p><p>Not that that meant she hadn’t loved him.</p><p>She’d married him, hadn’t she?</p><p>Goddammit Cameron!</p><p>Stop.</p><p>She pushed Tom from her mind and returned to Joe.</p><p>Joe …</p><p>She felt the familiar tingling start inside of her, just thinking about his arrival.</p><p>He’d changed in various ways from the Joe she’d dated 10 years ago.</p><p>He’d softened, events in the intervening years had broken and reshaped him into a better person.</p><p>But these last three years working together had tainted and strained their fragile friendship, and these last few months had almost ended it.</p><p>That was her fault this time.</p><p>But her confession to Tom back at the start of them working together led to the decision to work remotely.</p><p>It'd created an insurmountable barrier.</p><p>Joe, rejected, had been resentful and couldn't help but show it, he'd hounded her, and been overbearing.</p><p>Showing all his worst traits.</p><p>She didn't react well to it.</p><p>He'd been relentless in trying to manifest the browser into existence, willing it to be the best it could be.</p><p>He nagged her endlessly, spotting bugs and demanding fixes, updating her about their competitors.</p><p>Their combative natures hadn’t helped, but it wasn’t just about the work, there was too much personal stuff between them.</p><p>They'd been pulling in different directions. It didn't bring out the best in either of them.</p><p>She was relieved that part was finally over.</p><p>Joes’ words from the basement two days ago came back to her, if they’d worked together, really worked together, it could have been amazing.</p><p>It was true.</p><p>She’d felt frustrated and unsure how to fix things between them after she’d left.</p><p>At least in the daytime she’d been busy with the games testing with Atari. However, her thoughts had drifted back to him when she wasn’t and it’d gnawed away at her.</p><p>She’d been so looking forward to seeing him again. She was single this time, well practically anyway.</p><p>She’d hoped they could pick up where they’d left off in Vegas, and just forget the intervening years.</p><p>But he'd totally crushed that idea at Gordon’s party.</p><p>Despite Gordon’s assertions that Joe didn’t go to parties, there he was, all 6’ 5” of him, clad in black.</p><p>God knows what sort of style he was going for.</p><p>He’d let his hair grow, it was the longest she’d ever seen it and there was stubble rather than the full beard he’d had before.</p><p>Not his most attractive look, but her stomach flipped all the same.</p><p>She’d been so happy to see him, but instantly the way his jaw tightened and how he looked at her and then looked away, she knew Gordon had been telling her the truth; Joe was mad at her, furious even.</p><p>He had every right to be.</p><p>They both should've been. She’d would have been incandescent after five months of radio silence.</p><p>She’d wanted to explain but faltered in his obvious discomfort of seeing her. </p><p>His silence unbalanced her, she’d have preferred a shouting match and his rage, to his sullen disappointment.</p><p>She totally got now what Bos'd meant when he'd said he'd heard quiet that'd make you beg for screaming.</p><p>This was definitely that.</p><p>She couldn’t apologise, fearing she’d open the floodgates on all of her emotions and just turn into a blubbering mess.</p><p>Then he’d thrown her by asking about Tom.</p><p>She couldn't even tell him she was single, as she'd planned to, and see his reaction now that there was no longer a barrier to them being together.</p><p>But then he’d just gone quiet again, as they watched Gordon celebrate.</p><p>Her plan unraveled and she didn’t know what to say to him.</p><p>The gulf between them was wider than it’d ever been.</p><p>He must have felt it too, and left.</p><p><em>He</em> <em>just</em> <em>left</em>.</p><p>Just like that.</p><p>She was stunned.</p><p>She watched his retreating form and felt tears pricking her eyes.</p><p>Fuck, why did he get her like this?</p><p>What, so he couldn’t stand to be around her for even a minute or two?</p><p>He’d barely even looked at her.</p><p>She realised just how much he’d always indulged her and given her whatever she wanted.</p><p>Maybe he didn't want her now, finally fed up with all her bullshit.</p><p>She had chosen Tom over him and he had a life too, he wasn't going to wait around forever for her.</p><p>She was disconcerted.</p><p>Joe wanting her was pretty much how it'd always been.</p><p>She was in was unfamiliar territory now and at a loss of how to proceed.</p><p>She’d never experienced that with him before, in all this time and all that’d happened between them.</p><p>Even when he'd been married, she'd been sure there'd still been something there. He'd kissed her back, hadn't he? She'd seen the longer and the torn look before she gave him the Sonaris disc.</p><p>But that was then.</p><p>He hadn’t even asked her to explain what’d being going on for the last five months, or why there had been a delay.</p><p>Why she'd stopped emailing.</p><p>Everything with Tom, her marriage falling apart had knocked her sideways.</p><p>She should have said something to him and Gordon long before now, but she just hadn’t been able.</p><p>She hated admitting defeat in anything.</p><p>But especially in love and her marriage.</p><p>Joe’d called it years before.</p><p>Maybe that was why she’d stubbornly stuck it out, wanting to prove him wrong.</p><p>But it wasn’t just him, Donna had also called her impulsive.</p><p>(As he'd said they both were last night.)</p><p>But the comments had made her even more determined, that as she'd truly believed in her marriage vows, for better or for worse.</p><p>It’d taken Tom finding someone else to end it for good.</p><p>Since then, she’d just focused on Pilgrim and had wanted to make something of her own, something she truly believed in.</p><p>It'd been cathartic for her, part of her journey back to herself.</p><p>It was probably why she was being so stubborn about making any changes or including any hints.</p><p>Well, and that, she believed the gaming experience <em>would </em>be better.</p><p>As a gamer herself, she had higher expectations of other like-minded people.</p><p>The testers Atari had sourced were completely the wrong sort of people.</p><p>(<em>Assholes ..</em>.)</p><p>Now the issues with Atari were getting worse and everything was going to shit.</p><p>Her games were like her children, and she would defend them til death, like a tigress.</p><p>In the days after the party, she spent what free time she had on finishing Loadstar for Joe, she wanted to make amends, even though she knew it was too late.</p><p>At least he’d shown his anger in the basement, that was more familiar to her than the nothingness at the party.</p><p>His reaction, the tears that he stubbornly wouldn’t let fall, gave her some hope that there was still something remaining between them.</p><p>God, if only she’d been brave and left Tom in ’91, save them wasting another 3 years.</p><p>She could’ve really worked on Loadstar, together with him, <em>been</em> with him.</p><p>Fucking hell, what was the point of thinking about that now? She berated herself angrily.</p><p>But his phone call, last night and today, had lifted her spirits.</p><p>She hadn’t realised how much she needed him and his unshakable faith in her.</p><p>The irony wasn’t lost on her that she’d thrown it back in his face when they broke up before.</p><p>A firm knock interrupted her thoughts.</p><p>He was <em>here</em>.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br/>'HACF: Cam and Joe are just messing me up ...' Series Notes<br/>This all started with a simple idea to expand on the night of COMDEX 90 from Cam’s POV and then flipping it for Joe’s.<br/>Well, I got more than a little carried away… and they turned into epics.<br/>Then I wanted to explore their relationship over the 4 seasons and beyond (because I just didn't get why the writers couldn't let them have a happy ending).<br/>So, it's grown and is still growing. I've written and expanded on my favourite scenes, jumping around the various seasons and this has given an interesting perspective on where they both started to where they've ended up. Parts of stories have become their shared histories and quirks.<br/>All the fics follow the HACF's timeline, but with a bit of creative license about events only referred to.<br/>Exceptions<br/>- plot deviation when Cam and Tom tried for a baby<br/>- post-Ryan's suicide, Joe's apartment is in San Jose not San Francisco<br/>The series is pretty racy – mostly Mature only, maybe could even be Explicit in places (sex only). You have been warned.<br/>Some parts have a sprinkling of Easter eggs for other Lee Pace characters from TV shows and movies.<br/>Feeding my obsession.<br/>These are the current list, and I’ll upload more parts as I finish them.<br/>So far there’s …<br/>S1 - ‘Stuck’ (June 1983) and ‘Curious’ (Oct 1983) (in progress)<br/>S2 – NEW as of Jan 2021! ‘Goddammit’ (June 1985)<br/>S3 – NEW as of Mar 2021! ‘Surprise (Joe)’ (Aug 1986), ‘Surprise (Cam)’ (Oct 1986– in progress), ‘COMDEX 90 (Cam)’, ‘COMDEX 90 (Joe)’ Friday, Nov 16 1990<br/>S4 – NEW as of Jan 2021! 'Segue' (Oct 1992) and ‘Phone Call’ (Mid-Oct 1993)<br/>Post-canon – ‘Fate - Part 1' (March 1998), ‘Fate - Part 2' (March 1998), NEW as of Feb 2021! 'Snippets' (A collection of shorts post-Fate (Post-March 1998) in progress)<br/>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br/>Lovely HACF fandom and readers - I would much appreciate some feedback and/or kudos.<br/>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Arrival</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Ch 2</p><p>She looked out the window, but the moon had vanished behind clouds, leaving only a ghost of an impression in the sky.</p><p>Shame, it had been beautiful.</p><p>She went to the door.</p><p>Just breathe, Cam.</p><p>She opened it.</p><p>He was a vision, standing in the hall, still in black, hands in pockets, no glasses and an adorable shy smile fluttered across his face.</p><p>So frickin’ gorgeous … OK maybe the look <em>did </em>work after all.</p><p>Her heart jumped, and she couldn’t stop a broad one spreading over hers.</p><p>He shifted on his feet, she thought it was sweet that he was nervous too. He allowed the corners of his mouth to twitch up further.</p><p>‘You missed the moon.’</p><p>‘Oh, well.’ his head came up, eyes sparkling, and he smirked at her knowingly.</p><p>He’d come for her and not the moon, the knowledge made her smile wider.</p><p>He walked in as she retreated to stand in the middle of her hotel room.</p><p>He closed the door behind him and stood there.</p><p>They looked at each other across the divide, tentatively smiling.</p><p>She didn’t know what to do, how to start.</p><p>‘Do you want a drink?’ she asked, there were still some left in the mini bar.</p><p>‘Uh-uh,’ he shook his head, fixing her with his burning gaze.</p><p>He crossed the room with a few easy strides, and she was suddenly wrapped in his arms.</p><p>He took her by surprise by going in for a hug, rather than a kiss.</p><p>His head was next to hers, as he’d bent down to her level.</p><p>‘I’m glad you’re back, I’ve missed you,’ he whispered into her hair.</p><p>Her arms went around his waist with her palms flat on the back of his leather jacket.</p><p>‘I’ve missed you too,’ she felt a lump in her throat as she said it.</p><p>He kissed her hair and pulled her into him more, forcing her to bend up into his larger frame.</p><p>They stood there for what seemed like an age.</p><p>She closed her eyes, enjoying his closeness.</p><p>His fingers traced small circles and she did the same, firing thousands of tiny nerves endings that danced up and down her spine.</p><p>It was different, affectionate, rather than passionate.</p><p>She thought it was nice to go slow with him, for once.</p><p>Usually they wouldn’t have any clothes on by now.</p><p>Her face was at his neck and his skin was so warm. Well, she remembered how he always was, and her nostrils were filled with his heady scent mixed with his faded cologne.</p><p>It was probably on all of his clothes, too.</p><p>It was the same one he’d been wearing since Cardiff, Dior Eau Sauvage. Whenever she smelled it, she couldn’t help but think of him and her traitorous loins would light up.</p><p>It was, he was, familiar and safe, she felt like she’d finally arrived home after a long journey.</p><p>She lovingly kissed him there and felt him move back.</p><p>Her eyes fluttered open.</p><p>He cupped her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers in a long passionate kiss.</p><p>She momentarily forgot how to breathe.</p><p>He drew back again, just enough to gauge her reaction.</p><p>She moved a hand up to his cheek, stroking his stubble.</p><p>‘Joe, I’m really sorry about Loadstar ... there was ju ...’ tears sprang into her eyes.</p><p>‘Shhhh,' he cut her off, 'It doesn’t matter now.’</p><p>'I thought I’d lost you ...’ her emotions bubbled up from inside and she couldn’t stop the tears from falling.</p><p>She’d been close to them, anyway, feeling overwhelmed by all the events since she’d returned.</p><p>'Never,' he said, kissing her tears away, 'Unfortunately for me, I can’t ever seem stay mad at you for long. That’s what really sticks in my craw.’</p><p>But he snickered, and they smiled at each other.</p><p>He sobered first and took her hand from his face and kissed her palm.</p><p>She knew what was coming and the butterflies were back with a vengeance.</p><p>Oh God …</p><p>He was looking at her again and she was lost in his beautiful eyes.</p><p>She swallowed, watching his every move, drinking him in, stunned that he was really there.</p><p>Usually she was the one to start things between them, but she was frozen in place.</p><p>He kissed her again, this time gently pushing his tongue into her mouth and slowly exploring her.</p><p>She sighed happily and started moving her tongue against his in a familiar battle.</p><p>He exhaled through his nose and she felt his breath warm her face.</p><p>His strong hands were active, one went up into her hair, still tied in a loose braid and the other moved down her back, carefully exploring her through her tee-shirt.</p><p>Oh God, even this was nearly too much for her.</p><p>Her anticipation of this moment meant that everything was amplified.</p><p>She felt the butterflies turn into desire.</p><p>He had far too many clothes on for her, and she moved her hands up to take off his jacket.</p><p>Without breaking the kiss, he moved back enough to allow her to push it back from his shoulders and down his arms.</p><p>His arms went back around her.</p><p>She smiled to herself in the knowledge that this was the only time he’d allow his clothes to fall on the floor without worrying about folding them up and putting them away properly.</p><p>Her hands went to the bottom of his long-sleeved tee and started tugging it up.</p><p>She got it up as far as she could before he had to move and decided to put her hands on his bare chest instead, her fingers started automatically seeking out and tracing his scars. She knew them like the back of her hand.</p><p>Joe gave an appreciative rumble in his throat and quickly finished the job off for her, taking his top off and placing his lips back on hers in an instant.</p><p>Her hands worked their way slowly down his taut stomach to the button of his fly, popping it with a practised ease and was surprised when his hands were over hers.</p><p>She broke the kiss to look up at him in confusion</p><p>‘Let’s take this to the <em>bedroom</em>,’ he said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.</p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Bedroom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning - explicit sexual content</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Ch. 3</p><p>He took her hand and led her the short distance.</p><p>She rolled her eyes at him, but smiled too, acknowledging the lameness of his ‘joke’.</p><p>It wasn’t a large double, but she thought it would just about fit his tall frame. It would mean they’d have to snuggle up close together, which was fine by her.</p><p>He stopped and positioned her so she had her back to the bed. He placed her hands back on his waistband.</p><p>‘So, I have your permission now?’ she smirked up at him.</p><p>‘Of course.’ he said with twinkling eyes and a toothy grin.</p><p>He flipped his shoes off using his feet and kicked them aside.</p><p>She eased his pants down his legs, being careful around his already growing bulge and helped him out of each leg.</p><p>No socks she noticed; he’d come prepared. It was so much easier, and she came back up.</p><p>He captured her mouth again pressing her body into his as his hands drifted down to her butt, still through her oversized tee-shirt.</p><p>They were still taking their time and it seemed to fit the day; it was very different from how they usually were.</p><p>Normally, they’d just be slaves to their lust, a trail of clothing and their frantic need for each other.</p><p>She actually liked that they were savouring the discovery of each other again.</p><p>Her hands mirrored his but slipped under the waistband of his briefs to cup his bare buttocks.</p><p>He sighed in contentment through their kiss and she opened her eyes to watch him.</p><p>His eyes were closed, and there was a look of pleasure on his face.</p><p>She slowly pressed herself into his erection and delighted in another sigh. His eyes opening to find hers.</p><p>The passion she saw there went straight down into her core.</p><p>He reached down finding the hem of her tee and delved underneath, her breath caught in her throat as she felt his hands finally touch her skin.</p><p>He started to move his arms up her back, dragging her tee up slowly as he went. The material's movement forced her arms up, and he only broke the kiss to pass it over her mouth.</p><p>Then he did something unexpected, he kept the tee over her eyes, trapping her arms above her head in it while he bent her back onto the bed. She felt his knee push between her legs.</p><p>She couldn’t help but let out a deep groan.</p><p>Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.</p><p>He slowly pulled the tee higher, stretching her arms up over her head. She blinked as the material left her face, meeting his eyes right above hers. She was exposed to him but not able to touch him as her arms were tangled up.</p><p>They were both down to just their underwear.</p><p>He dipped down to kiss her tenderly at first and then more urgently, parting her lips and pushing his tongue inside.</p><p>She felt the heat of his crotch on her thigh and eased her leg up, slowly caressing his most delicate parts from underneath.</p><p>She felt him groan, and he broke the kiss, looking at her intensely.</p><p>But to her surprise, he leaned backwards to sit on his heels, pulling his hands down her body as he retreated.</p><p>He briefly caught her nipples and squeezed them before releasing them and continuing down.</p><p>He smirked at her as he did, and she knew they were going to get a lot of attention now he'd discovered their increased sensitivity in Vegas.</p><p>She knowledge made her shiver.</p><p>She enjoyed the view of him above her. Her eyes trailed down his body ending up on his large erection, straining against its covering.</p><p>His fingers hooked under the top of her panties, and teased the soft skin underneath, dragging a sensual moan out of her prone form.</p><p>He gently pulled the flimsy material up, higher and higher so it bunched up against her slit.</p><p>Her eyelids fluttered and she sighed again.</p><p>Her body was on fire.</p><p>Then he changed direction and started pulling them down achingly slowly, watching her the whole time.</p><p>She bit her lip.</p><p>Once they were past her knees, she pushed her hips forward, opening herself to him.</p><p>When he came back on the bed, he was naked too.</p><p>Cam was surprised at the control he was exercising. The anticipation was definitely adding something extra.</p><p>He laid on his side and started kissing and sucking her closest nipple. His hands moved over her and dipped down low to stroke her belly, ghosting across her pussy, her inner thighs and back up to softly pinch her other nipple.</p><p>She knew he was purposefully trying to drive her mad.</p><p>It was working.</p><p>‘Oh, Jesus, <em>Joe</em> …’</p><p>He looked up, as if surprised by her outburst.</p><p>She’d had enough, she half-rose and shrugged off the tee-shirt from her arms.</p><p>Free of her constraints, she pushed him and he obligingly rolled over onto his back. She straddled him.</p><p>‘Always so impatient …’ he teased.</p><p>She held herself over him, ‘What can I say, you turn me on.’</p><p>They grinned at each other, both enjoying the reference back to their Cardiff days.</p><p>‘Ahh well … the feeling is mutual.’ he flirted back.</p><p>‘Hmm, so I see,’ she moved back, holding his cock straight and slowly impaling herself onto it.</p><p>They maintained eye contact, and she delighted in seeing his mouth form a perfect ‘O’ and hearing his low groan.</p><p>She panted in desire as the sensation of their skin melding together overwhelmed them both.</p><p>His hands went to her hips and she moved them in circle tantalisingly slowly, drinking in the vision of him beneath her now.</p><p>She’d always found him attractive, even after they’d split up.</p><p>Even after he’d broken her heart.</p><p>But her anger saved her, it helped keep her desire in check.</p><p>It was good that he’d stomped on so many others in her life too, it helped keep her focused and not get taken in by him again.</p><p>It also helped that he’d moved on and replaced her, although she hadn’t known that for a while afterwards.</p><p>As she’d told Donna at the meeting in December ‘90, it was so easy to make him the bad guy. He was an easy target and she’d focused all her rage on him.</p><p>But she’d inflicted greater wounds on him than he ever had on her, costing him his marriage amongst other things.</p><p>The most surprising thing was how forgiving he’d been, he’d even told her he was glad she’d burned it all to the ground.</p><p>She didn’t know how he could keep bouncing back after all the pain in his life.</p><p>There was so much she wanted to know about him.</p><p>She’d ask later, they had time now.</p><p>She hadn’t had sex for months and it felt like she’d been dreaming of it with him for years, particularly after he’d rocked her world again at COMDEX '90.</p><p>Sex with him was so familiar and always so electrifying at the same time.</p><p>No other partner had come close.</p><p>Joe just did something to her. Her need for him was raw and instinctive, beyond reason.</p><p>They’d settled into a slow rhythm, each watching the reaction of the other.</p><p>Her hands explored his body, as usual making a beeline for his scars, if as touching them helped connect to the real him, the one he used to keep hidden.</p><p>He started stroking her belly and cupped a breast. His fingers glided around her nipple, making it hard by softly rolling and gently tugging on it.</p><p>There was that knowing smirk again, and it was enough to make her groan.</p><p>He flipped his other hand over and laid it on his lower belly, angling two fingers up below her clit.</p><p>She gasped as they made contact and she ground herself down onto them.</p><p>She felt her whole-body light up.</p><p>‘Hhhhhmmmm …’ she opened her mouth and allowed her head to fall back.</p><p>She moved her arms and rested them back on his strong thighs, spreading her legs so her feet could take her weight. Now she could push herself up and down on his member.</p><p>As well as enjoying the sensations, she could watch the effect of the lurid show on him through half-lidded eyes.</p><p>His breathing changed and his eyes slowly travelled from her face down to where his cock was leisurely going in and out of her.</p><p>He partially sat up and pulled a pillow under his lower back. It allowed him to reach forward and grab her just below her waist.</p><p>It gave him leverage to push his hips up as she came down, driving into her more.</p><p>Oh God ...</p><p>She moaned loudly.</p><p>Her body trembled and sagged; she was glad of his supporting hand.</p><p>She raised herself up as far as she could and stopped.</p><p>His eyes went up to hers.</p><p>She slowly started coming down and he raised his hips again.</p><p>They groaned in unison.</p><p>She couldn’t get over how amazing it felt and at the added affect their eye contact was having.</p><p>Where they were joined, she could feel the heat pouring out of her.</p><p>They repeated it a few more times at the same achingly slow pace.</p><p>Then on one upward motion she fingered herself.</p><p>Her juices pooled over her fingers.</p><p>Jesus, she was <em>wet</em>.</p><p>When he was fully embedded in her again, she pushed her fingers into his mouth.</p><p>He sucked on them fiercely and closed his eyes. Relishing the familiar act between them.</p><p>She brought his hand up from her pussy to her mouth so she could taste herself on him too.</p><p>Delicious …</p><p>‘Hmm-hmm,’ his eyes flicked open on hearing her sigh and locked on to hers.</p><p>They watched as they sucked the other's finger.</p><p>It was electrifying.</p><p>Joe came up off the bed and kissed her hotly, at the same time easily turning her so she was beneath him. He started pumping into her, his earlier restraint now forgotten.</p><p>‘Aaaahhhh … fuck … yes … <em>aahhhh</em>, Joe,’ she moaned in encouragement.</p><p>Her nails dug into his back and she wrapped her legs around him. It helped to raise her hips up, allowing him to go deeper.</p><p>They were both groaning in lust now, and she knew neither of their orgasms would be far off.</p><p>She needed the release, perhaps because of the previous tension between them and the intensity of this re-connection.</p><p>She didn’t need or want a mammoth session, like they’d had at COMDEX.</p><p>It felt like the whole day had been foreplay, leading to this moment.</p><p>There was time now, they were free to be together again.</p><p>As if reading her mind, between urgent thrusts, Joe said thickly, ‘Cam, I’m going to come soon. Sorry … I’m too far gone.’</p><p>‘Perfect … me too.’ she assured him breathily.</p><p>He started driving into her and their passionate noises spiralled together, their desire consumed them.</p><p>‘I want us to come together, squeeze my nipple if you’re there first,’ she quickly instructed him, and he dutifully moved a hand into position.</p><p>With a few more thrusts, Cam started to pant rapidly, and his breath was becoming more ragged too.</p><p>They were racing each other.</p><p>He only just ‘won’ and let out a guttural grunt as he slammed his full length into her.</p><p>She was already starting to arch up against him in the first throes of hers when he pinched her nipple, causing her to gasp in surprise and her core contracted even more. It was like he’d pressed a button and her orgasm deepened. Her whole body tensed, and she quivered uncontrollably under him.</p><p>They were locked together bucking against one another, revelling in the waves of pleasure.</p><p>She felt him still, and her climax started to wane too. She opened her eyes to find him looking down at her adoringly.</p><p>He moved his hand to brush a lock of her hair from her face, and he rested it tenderly at the side of her face.</p><p>She revelled in his touch and the feeling of him over her. Finally feeling at peace for the first time since arriving back in the US for the start of the game testing, two days before Gordon’s birthday party.</p><p>He bent his head down and kissed her. She happily returned it, cupping his face in her hands.</p><p>He rolled over onto his side, taking her with him. She thought it was sweet that he was always considerate of his weight.</p><p>They were laying looking at each other, limbs wrapped round each other.</p><p>Joe came in to kiss her again, softly pressing his lips to hers.</p><p>He edged back and his eyes filled her vision, their noses almost touching.</p><p>They stayed like that for what seemed like ages, all their words used up, just watching each other and enjoying each other’s company.</p><p>Suddenly, she was aware of how tired she felt.</p><p>She untangled herself and sat up, ‘Hey, there’s the moon again!’ spotting it through the window.</p><p>He sat up next to her, one arm around her shoulder, and followed her gaze, ‘Ahh, yeah, that is beautiful …' he said as he placed a kiss on the shoulder nearest to him.</p><p>She turned to him, basking in the love and peace she was feeling.</p><p>‘This is beautiful,’ and she placed a long lingering kiss on his lips.</p><p>Then after a heartbeat, she continued, ‘OK, I don’t know about you, but I’m tired. Bedtime, OK?’ she said.</p><p>‘OK.’ he breathed with a small smile, still looking at her.</p><p>Cam got up and headed to the bathroom. ‘There’s a spare toothbrush as well.’ she called back over her shoulder.</p><p>‘I brought one.’ he went to his jacket on the floor and held it up triumphantly, ‘I’m nothing if not prepared.’</p><p>‘Yeah, yeah, you’re a great boy scout. Well done.’ she said, ‘No need to rub it in.’</p><p>She was referring to the first time she’d stayed at his and had used his toothbrush. He’d never let her forget it.</p><p>He just smiled at her.</p><p>She was already in bed when he came out of the bathroom, her bedside lamp turned off.</p><p>He got in and switched his off, coming in close, part intentionally and part forced to by the size of the bed and the natural dip in the mattress.</p><p>She snuggled into his warmth, and he wrapped her in his arms.</p><p>‘Joe?’</p><p>‘Uh-huh?’ he whispered.</p><p>‘I’ve had a really good day.’</p><p>‘Yeah, me too.’</p><p>‘Thank you.’ she breathed sleepily, she felt his lips touch her forehead and smiled.</p><p>‘You’re welcome,’ he said softly, ‘Goodnight.’</p><p>‘Night …’ she murmured.</p><p>His scent and warmth in the dark quickly lulled her to sleep.</p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Morning After</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Ch. 4</p><p>In the early hours of the morning, light was just creeping into the room, Cam woke up, feeling an overwhelming urge to pee.</p><p>She was half asleep and was confused by the warmth pressed up against her.</p><p>She hadn’t shared a bed with anyone since Tom'd left her five months or so ago. His affair having started just over two months before, but he'd admitted having feelings for the other for a 'considerable time.' He'd just never acted on it. The implication being that he'd had more control, unlike her.</p><p>She pushed all the unpleasantness away, and carefully turned to look at Joe.</p><p>He was sleeping soundly on his back and she found it hard to believe he was really there.</p><p>She’d been dreaming of this moment since they’d reconnected over three years ago, even more so since Tom had left her.</p><p>She didn’t want to wake him, wanting to savour the moment.</p><p>When they’d been together, she’d rarely woken up before him.</p><p>Regardless of when he went to bed, he usually got up earlier than her. She didn’t know if he was able to function on less sleep or if he just slept more deeply.</p><p>She was a light and erratic sleeper, probably years of late nights, a slave to coding and gaming. Being constantly fuelled by junk food probably didn’t help, she mused.</p><p>He looked so peaceful. She could see the gray hairs at his temple now, it made him look more distinguished. It was so unfair that gray was OK for men, but not for women.</p><p>The childhood scars on his chest were just peeking out of the sheets and she had to resist touching the rough skin.</p><p>She remembered sneaking out of her hotel room at COMDEX ’90 with him still in her bed. She’d wanted to stay and watch him more then, but her early morning flight back to Tokyo and decision to talk to Donna meant she had to leave. But she’d burned the vision of him into her memory.</p><p>It was crazy that she’d known him for 10 years now and after the previous day’s phone call, they'd been the most chatty with each other and so many revelations, she felt she hardly knew him at all.</p><p>She slowly edged herself away from his warmth and went to the bathroom.</p><p>She closed the door quietly and sat down.</p><p>How different her life was, and how everything had changed as a result of meeting him.</p><p>Working in Japan had given her a new perspective.</p><p>Yes, she and Tom’d had money, he worked for Sega and she was with Atari, two big companies, that were safe, not like Mutiny or their new one. But they were also mindless juggernauts, running down everything in their paths. Stopping for nothing.</p><p>It’d made her realise the value of the Joe MacMillans of the world.</p><p>The ones who always pushed the envelope and tried to change the status quo, and maybe if they were lucky, then they’d become the norm, the new standard, and she thought of Gates and Jobs.</p><p>She knew for every success story there were hundreds more failures.</p><p>She remembered how Joe’d pushed her, forced her out of her final year of her course at Austin Tech and out of her comfort zone.</p><p>She’d wanted it as she’d known college wasn’t the right thing for her. She’d only been frustrated there.</p><p>She just hadn’t known how to get her vision and her ideas out into the world.</p><p>Who would’ve listened to a 22-year-old anyway? And a girl on top of that?</p><p>He’d been the only one to really see her, her potential and had given her the opportunity.</p><p>Maybe he hadn’t had the skills, although he'd worked on them and improved over the years, but he’d always had the drive, and even now he was still hungry.</p><p>He was the firestarter, he had the spark and he'd lit it under her.</p><p>That had value in itself and for years she’d underestimated his talents.</p><p>He’d ignited Gordon, and Donna by association.</p><p>Then Bos and everyone in Cardiff Electric got behind the Giant.</p><p>Later, he'd seen potential in other tech innovations and been involved in other companies.</p><p>Things didn’t always turn out well, but Joe was the source.</p><p>Yes, his methods were questionable at times, ruthless even, but he stayed focused on the end game and pushed everyone even if they were kicking and screaming … or hated him.</p><p>He took all of it.</p><p>It wasn’t something she could ever do.</p><p>After so many failures and personal tragedies, it’d got to him eventually and it made sense that he’d retreated, to lick his wounds.</p><p>It was his way of coping with this burden of his.</p><p>She wondered what would be next, it seemed restlessness was his nature. She wondered if he'd ever settle.</p><p>Ever be happy with what he had, to just be.</p><p>Would she?</p><p>It was true, they were the same in many ways.</p><p>Cam flushed the toilet and quickly put the lid down to drown out the sound.</p><p>She got back into bed and he was still sleeping.</p><p>His face was relaxed, handsome, she thought.</p><p>She eased herself back next to him, glad for the heat to warm herself against. He shifted slightly, and she stopped until he resettled.</p><p>Here she was again, and she couldn’t believe it had actually happened.</p><p>Newly broken up from her husband and back in the arms of her ex. She felt like such a cliché.</p><p>She’d loved Tom, but annoyingly, Joe had been right when he’d told her that it was easy to think the person next to you was the source of your happiness.</p><p>That had been his experience with marriage too.</p><p>Yep, two peas in a pod.</p><p>She’d tried to forget him many times over the years, telling herself he was trouble, blaming him for everything that had gone wrong in her life.</p><p>The first few years in Tokyo had been good, then the cracks had started to show, she wanted more.</p><p>She should've been happy, but something wasn’t right, and she couldn’t fix it. It wasn’t Joe’s fault this time and she only had herself to blame.</p><p>But Tokyo had been good in other ways, she’d needed to retreat and mend after the deep betrayal by her friends over Mutiny.</p><p>The distance had helped, it’d given her a new perspective on everything.</p><p>She’d been able to talk it over with Tom, and she could see there were mistakes she’d made too.</p><p>It wasn’t all Donna.</p><p>She just felt … sad … angry … over losing the company, her baby, and her friend and the way it all went down.</p><p>Maybe if she'd been less impulsive, taken a beat as Bos had suggested, but she'd forced the issue because she was angry, well no, she'd been apoplectic and the fallout had been spectacular.</p><p>She winced recalling another time on a porch in Dallas, when she'd lashed out in retribution for hurting her, in her mind's eye, she still saw how deeply she'd wounded him.</p><p>She'd got better at controling her rage.</p><p>But at COMDEX '90, he’d been a breath of fresh air. She’d had so much fun that day and she’d sorely needed it.</p><p>Afterwards, she’d realised it’d been her not him, who’d pushed for more, and stopped him from leaving.</p><p>That night, that incredible night, had affected her more than she’d let on.</p><p>Seeing him again and what’d happened over the weekend when they’d decided to work together again, hadn’t helped much either.</p><p>She’d felt extremely guilty and had tried to convince herself they were all signs that she needed to work on her marriage, but really, it’ll been over for a long time.</p><p>If only she’d been braver, called it for what it was and left Tom then.</p><p>Would it have been amazing, as Joe had believed?</p><p>Was it just work or them that he’d been talking about?</p><p>As usual, their personal lives got in the way of the business side.</p><p>Loadstar could’ve been the first browser, or it could’ve been a disaster, going the same way as Mutiny.</p><p>Who knew?</p><p>The Goddamn future was so tricky.</p><p>She thought about their phone call yesterday, they’d talked about so much, it'd been ... a relevation that it'd been so easy.</p><p>Especially after the previous drawn out tension and unpleasantness of working on Loadstar since early '91.</p><p>But there'd been none of the important things between them.</p><p>When she looked up at his face, she was surprised to see his eyes open, and he was quietly watching her through shiny slits.</p><p>She’d always been jealous of his long dark lashes, why couldn’t hers be like that? Such a waste on a guy.</p><p>He had such pretty eyes, too. They seemed to change colour, ranging from dark blue, blue-grey or blue-green.</p><p>They could be clear or stormy like the ocean, she’d decided long ago.</p><p>‘Good morning!’ she gave him her brightest smile and she perched herself up on his chest so she could look right into his face.</p><p>He blinked lazily and stifled a yawn, ‘Hmmm …' stretching up and resettling his arms around her and held her there, ‘Good morning.’ he replied softly, his smile crinkling his eyes.</p><p>She leaned forward and kissed him, ‘Mmmm … did you sleep OK?’</p><p>‘Perfectly. You’re awake early,’ he frowned slightly, ‘Did you …?’</p><p>‘Yes, woke up to pee and then was watching you sleep,’ and smiled as she kissed him again and lightly stroked his chest with her hands.</p><p>‘Oh,’ he raised his eyebrows, ‘How’d I look?’ he asked when she broke for air.</p><p>‘Peaceful … handsome,’ she added shyly. She felt awkward giving him compliments, but this was a fresh start for both of them.</p><p>‘Ahh, thank you,’ he pulled her in and kissed her.</p><p>When they came back up for air, he held her gaze and said, ‘You’re beautiful too.’</p><p>She started to blush, not used to receiving such praise. She couldn’t look him in the eye, instead she focused on his full lips, which were moving into a smile.</p><p>‘So, the shower sucks, huh?’ he asked changing the subject.</p><p>‘Yeah, sorry.’ thinking he wanted one.</p><p>‘Wanna have one at mine? Or you could take a bath … you can take as many as you want ...’</p><p>‘What are you saying?’ she asked, pushing herself up to look into his eyes again.</p><p>‘Well, if this isn’t too fast for you, but …’ he hesitated and she sensed his nervousness now, ‘How about moving in … with me?’</p><p>‘Really?’ she couldn’t believe he was asking.</p><p>‘Yeah, I just mean, what are we doing here otherwise, Cam? If not … this feels … right, to me.’ he stopped, waiting for her reply, but adding, 'And you get out of here.'</p><p>She still couldn’t believe what he was saying. She was too stunned to answer.</p><p>‘Listen, if it’s too soon for you … we can wait.’ he inhaled, and cupped her face, ‘But it’s not as though we haven’t been here before ...’</p><p>She smiled at him, ‘Hmm, I don’t know, Joe, I’m … still messy … what about you, still the same?’</p><p>‘Uh-huh,’ and he smirked, eyes twinkling, ‘We’ll figure all that out, it’s not an issue, unless we make it one. But Cam, the bottom line is … I like this …’ he pulled her closer for emphasis, ‘I want to wake up with you every morning.’</p><p>It thrilled her to listen to him. She knew he was a good talker, but she wanted it too.</p><p>She kissed him again.</p><p>‘Is that a yes?’</p><p>‘Hmmm, I don’t know … how big is this bath?’ she teased.</p><p>He laughed, ‘Big enough for me, it’s probably big enough for both of us … we could try it out …’</p><p>‘OK.’</p><p>‘Is that OK to moving in or OK to trying the bath?’</p><p>‘OK to both.’</p><p>‘Really?’ he sounded surprised.</p><p>‘Yes, really.’ she was done waiting, she wanted to be with him, and he wanted the same.</p><p>‘Is it only because I’ve got a big bath?’ his grin broadening into a smile, insinuating something else.</p><p>‘Of course!’ she laughed, leaned forward, and kissed him.</p><p>Joe rolled her over and kissed her back passionately.</p><p>‘Does that mean we’ve sealed the deal …?’ she asked when they came up for air.</p><p>‘I was thinking about sealing it with a bit more than just a kiss ...' pressing his hips into hers suggestively.</p><p>‘Ohhh OK!’ and she giggled.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Move</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Ch. 5</p><p>It was still early, but Joe wanted to go to work and let her settle in.</p><p>He made numerous trips to load her boxes into his car, while she finished packing and checked she had everything.</p><p>She paid her bill and Joe supplied a forwarding address and phone number in case anyone was looking for her.</p><p>As they got in the car, he asked, ‘Are you hungry?’</p><p>‘God, I’m famished!’</p><p>‘OK, let’s get breakfast. I know a place not far from here.’ and he took her to a great little diner.</p><p>She paid as a thank you.</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>After breakfast, he drove her to his place. </p><p>She couldn’t believe that they were really doing this. </p><p>They were both pretty quiet, but it wasn’t awkward. </p><p>It felt easy between, as if the day spent talking had helped them reconnect and heal a lot of old wounds.</p><p>She kept taking side looks at him and she saw that he was doing the same.</p><p>Whenever, it happened at the same time, they’d smile and look away laughing.</p><p>It was like neither could be certain that the other was really there.</p><p>He pulled up to a large old style building with eaves and bay windows. </p><p>‘Here?’ she asked, surprised.</p><p>‘Yes,’ he killed the engine and looked at her curiously, ‘What were your expecting?’</p><p>‘More modern, to be honest.’ she thought of his place in Dallas, all monochrome and glass. Then what she’d seen one night of his place in SF, overlooking the Bay, all expensive designer chic.</p><p>‘Ahhh, yes.’ he smiled, looking up at the building and said softly, ‘No, this is more me now, it’s quiet, a nice neighborhood.'</p><p>He didn't say it reminded him of where he'd grown up, the house with the picket fence that had impaled him.</p><p>The reconnection with her meant it might make him show too much emotion. Instead, he continued, 'It’s a bit of a drive for work, but I’ve been here a while now.’ </p><p>They went up to the third floor taking a box each. </p><p>He stopped in front of a door, ‘Are you ready?’</p><p>‘OK,’ she wasn’t sure what to expect at all.</p><p>He opened the door and let her go in first.</p><p>The sun was streaming in, it was quite spacious and … more homely than his other places.</p><p>The walls were a relaxing shade of green with off-white doors and trims, she approved.</p><p>‘I love the light. It’s south-facing, so it gets the sun all day.’ he said from behind her, putting a box down in the hall, ‘Let’s get the rest, then I’ll give you the tour.’</p><p>‘OK,’ she said, there was a huge art piece hanging in the hall and as she went further in she spied a trio of bright abstract paintings above a comfy-looking deep green couch and a wooden coffee table in the living room.</p><p>Glancing round she noticed a lot of other paintings too.</p><p>Wow, when had he got into art? she wondered.</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>30-minutes later and Joe was in the shower, she’d been tempted to join him, but she knew he wanted to go to work, having taken the whole day off the day before. Besides, she could luxuriate in the bath after he went. </p><p>There’d be plenty of time for fooling around now she was here. </p><p>She started to unpack her suitcase. He’d made some space in his drawers and wardrobe temporarily, telling her that he’d clear more out on the weekend. She didn’t think she needed more, as she was travelling pretty light.</p><p>Gone were his racks of expensive suits and shirts, and shelves for ties and shoes, which had made his closet in Dallas look like a display at a designer store. She’d never dared put any of her clothes in there for fear of disturbing the ambience.</p><p>Although, usually she’d be lucky if she still had clothes on by the time she got to his bedroom, they’d all had been hastily discarded wherever they fell in the heat of passion.</p><p>He favoured more casual attire these days, she’d never seen such a neat selection of tee-shirts and jeans all hung up.</p><p>She shook her head … God, he probably ironed them knowing him. </p><p>Her clothes looked decidedly dishevelled next to his.</p><p>She had a few nice items from Japan that she’d kept, like the red sweater she was currently wearing as well as various fitted pants and shirts. </p><p>She preferred to code in casual stuff such as tee-shirts and shorts or sweatpants, but she owned quite a few things that didn’t have holes in these days. </p><p>She jumped as she felt his arms wrap around her from behind, and he hunched over, kissing her neck, his hair and skin were still damp. </p><p>Damn, he smelled good, having just sprayed himself with his aftershave.</p><p>She put her arms out behind her to return his hug and gasped when she realised he was naked.</p><p>‘Ooh, well hello there!’ she laughed and turned round in his arms and pulled him closer.</p><p>They kissed, and her body went on automatic pilot as she pushed him back toward his bed, wanting more.</p><p>He stopped her, breaking off with a sigh, ‘Hold that thought, we can road-test my bed tonight.’ and he kissed her again.</p><p>Before she could answer he pushed her back across to his chest of drawers.</p><p>Their tongues fought and despite his words, she felt herself getting turned on more.</p><p>She tried to speak but he wouldn’t relent, his tongue was down her throat and she could feel the hard wood press into her back. Suddenly his hands were gone, and she was being propelled forward into to him as he opened the drawer and fished around for some briefs behind her. </p><p>‘Hey!’ she exclaimed as she broke the kiss and ducked out of his embrace. He was laughing at her, so she swiped his butt a bit harder than she’d meant to.</p><p>‘Ow!’ he exclaimed, ‘So, you’re going there, are you?’ he with a slight dangerous edge to his voice, as he stooped to put his underwear on.</p><p>‘Uh-huh, you’re one who came in here all naked…’ she reasoned, wrapping herself around him from behind as he stood up, her hands going to his stomach and then down lower, until they slipped under his briefs to cup him.</p><p>Joe closed his eyes and leaned back, she felt his sigh and his cock start to stiffen. Maybe he would agree to a quick romp after all …</p><p>She felt his hands gently take hers and remove them as he turned to her, 'Cam, I’ve really got to go in,’ he whispered, looking at her earnestly.</p><p>‘I know, I know!’ she said, trying to sound light and breezy, but missing the mark somewhat. </p><p>She sat herself on his bed and watched him finish dressing.</p><p>‘Listen, I don’t want Gordon to think I’m pissed at him, the day I called you, we had an argument.’ </p><p>He still didn’t know about the melt down that had happened yesterday and would be filled in by Shep when he arrived.</p><p>She nodded and said reassuringly, ‘Gordon will be fine.’ </p><p>Not that she really believed it, she knew Gordon would be pissed at her when he found out where she was now. </p><p>But she reasoned that they would have some time to readjust to being back together, before they shared it with anyone else, ensconced as she was in his apartment.</p><p>Gordon’d come to her games testing to confront her about giving Joe some new idea and messing with his head again.</p><p>She hadn’t a clue what he’d been talking about. It’d pissed her off that he thought Joe was the only one who'd been affected by their reconnection.</p><p>He’d called her cruel, but she didn’t mean to be.</p><p>Couldn’t he see that it wasn’t just one way? That Joe got to her as well?</p><p>She’d purposefully stayed away and avoided contact with Joe, despite every fiber of her being wanting to reach out to him. </p><p>She’d needed to let the dust settle after Tom leaving. She had to see where her feelings truly lay.</p><p>‘You love him.’ Tom’s accusation had been circling round and round her head for three years. </p><p>She’d denied it, of course.</p><p>She didn’t want it to be true, because if she did love Joe, what the hell had she been doing with Tom all this time?</p><p>So, she’d tried to make it work, but even a distance of 5,000 miles wasn’t enough. The spectre of her ex always loomed. </p><p>The irrevocable damage to their marriage had already been done, by her. </p><p>Tom had simply left to find someone who would love him back and she couldn’t blame him. </p><p>It was a release for her.</p><p>Now she was here with Joe, and her heart sang.</p><p>She was looking at her feet and suddenly heard herself saying, ‘I know you have to go, and that I’ll see you later, but …’ her voice was faltering, not confident as she continued, ‘I feel … feel like … I’ve just found you again and I don’t want you to leave …’ she was surprised at the depth of her feelings; tears were rolling freely down her cheeks. </p><p>‘Hey, hey, Cameron …’ Joe went to her, kneeling by her legs and pulling her into his arms. He kissed her and then moved back slightly.</p><p>His hands were on her face, wiping her tears with his thumbs and also making her look at him, ‘Listen, I feel the same way. I do and I know. I’ve been waiting for this, for all this time too. I’m so happy you’re here now, I’m even happy that you’re sad I’m going’. he chuckled, ‘I know that sounds crazy, but to know that you feel the same way, well that’s just wonderful news.’</p><p>She nodded and listened to his melodic voice as he spoke to her almost like a child, ‘Now, I’m gonna be gone a few hours, OK? You can take that nice long bath, and just unwind, go back to bed if you want, unpack … I’ll leave you my spare key and you can go out and explore the neighborhood, if you feel like it. There’s a hardware store over on 8th and it’d be great if you can get another key cut. There are other stores there too, but I’ll get us a take-out for tonight. Is Chinese OK? We can work out all that other stuff later, there’s no rush …’</p><p>He kissed her tenderly and she sighed in release, bringing her hands up around his back and holding him to her. </p><p>God, how she loved him.</p><p>He broke the kiss to check in with her, ‘Sound OK?’</p><p>‘Yes, and thank you.’ she gave him a small smile.</p><p>‘You’re most welcome,’ he said giving her a wink, and smiling as he heard her light chuckle, ‘That’s better. OK, I’ll see you tonight, dear.’</p><p>‘Have a good day at the office, dear.’ they both laughed at their corniness.</p><p>He kissed her again and stood up. Then thought better of it and stooped to kiss her again, ‘Bye.’</p><p>‘Bye.' she breathed.</p><p>Kiss.</p><p>‘Bye.' said Joe softly.</p><p>‘Bye.' Cam whispered quietly.</p><p>Kiss.</p><p>It seemed he didn’t want to stop now either.</p><p>'Bye.'</p><p>‘Bye.'</p><p>Kiss.</p><p>She had to shove him away from her, ‘Hey! Go if you’re going.’ she was half laughing and half annoyed, as she wanted him to keep going.</p><p>He laughed, ‘OK, OK, bye for now, we’ll continue this later.’ He went after one final kiss and finally left the bedroom.</p><p>‘I’ll leave the key on the table out here!’ She heard him call out before the front door shut and it went quiet.</p><p>She went to the window and watched as a few minutes later he appeared, sunglasses on, heading to his car. He turned and looked up as he was climbing into his car.</p><p>She waved and he waved back, blowing her another kiss.</p><p>She laughed and blew him one back, then he drove off.</p><p>Jesus, she felt like a lovesick girl. Her stomach was all in knots.</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Reflection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Ch. 6</p><p>Cam stood there, and gazed around her in wonder, here she was in his bedroom.</p><p>It didn’t feel real, it'd happened so fast and she needed time to adjust to this new reality.</p><p>She went to run the bath and found that he’d left a matching set of towels neatly stacked next to the taps for her.</p><p>The simple gesture made her feel loved.</p><p>God, it was adorable that he was so thoughtful.</p><p>She returned to his, now their bedroom to peel off her clothes and twist up her hair.</p><p>She looked at his bed and imagined sleeping there with him later.</p><p>She wondered who else he’d shared it with over the years, loving him, doing whatever to him … she tried to push the thought from her mind.</p><p>Despite herself, she felt a pang of jealousy.</p><p>It wasn’t as if she hadn’t been around the block once or twice herself.</p><p>He was divorced and soon she would be too.</p><p>She had no right to feel resentful, it was her own fault they hadn’t been together.</p><p>They were together again now that was the only important thing.</p><p>Then unexpectedly generous, she hoped he hadn’t been alone all these years waiting for her.</p><p>She bounced on the bed, just right. Not too hard, not too soft.</p><p>Ha, she sounded like Goldilocks.</p><p>It was big, like his one in Dallas. She’d felt lost in it at first and then had grown to love the sumptuousness of its extra width.</p><p>She returned to the bathroom to check on the water. It was still only half full and it was cooler than she liked, but she got in anyway and cranked up the heat.</p><p>Ahhh! This was good, as she felt it get hotter. She let her eyes close and felt her muscles relax for the first time in days.</p><p>For some reason, her mind went back to another bath, in Toyko, January ’91, when the truth about what she’d done weighed on her so heavily and she’d been compelled to finally confess to her husband.</p><p>She would let Fate decide what her punishment should be.</p><p>She’d tried to explain her actions in that she’d been sad and had simply wanted to pour that sadness into something.</p><p>To rid herself of it.</p><p>Couldn’t he see it wasn’t Joe?</p><p>It was about her.</p><p>It was about them.</p><p>She’d convinced herself it wasn’t about Joe.</p><p>[Wasn’t it?]</p><p>He’d just been there. She figured it could have been anyone.</p><p>[Liar]</p><p>She’d wanted to focus on their broken marriage, why she was sad, why she’d felt compelled to find happiness in the arms of another.</p><p>But Tom had just kept going back to Joe.</p><p>She’d tried to explain that it was impossible to love Joe, that he was empty, he just became what circumstances needed.</p><p>She’d really believed that was what he did.</p><p>But then she couldn’t explain her attraction to someone who was ‘empty’.</p><p>She’d tried hating him before, but it hadn’t worked.</p><p>He’d always do something to undermine it, like trying to help Ryan and further back, visiting Lev in the hospital, helping Mutiny, helping her.</p><p><em>Always</em> helping her.</p><p>Cam’d been worried that Joe would do or say something when they’d all met up that December.</p><p>Mostly he’d been the consummate professional, slipping smoothly back into his old marketing guise and protecting her infidelity.</p><p>But she could see something else in his eyes whenever he’d looked at her, holding her gaze just a fraction longer than was comfortable. It’d both electrified and terrified her.</p><p>The latter, because if it was plain to her, surely everyone else, including Tom could see it too.</p><p>She’d been on edge the whole time, and she’d tried so hard to act normal.</p><p>Mostly she opted for petulant silence, which luckily given her history with both Joe and Donna, no-one had a hard time buying.</p><p>She’d been so apprehensive about it all and Tom’d simply wanted to support her. He’d insisted on accompanying her to make sure she had an ally, he'd been there to 'have her back'.</p><p>How could she say no to him without him suspecting something?</p><p>But it’d been <em>so</em> much worse having Joe and Tom together in the same room.</p><p>She’d been glad that Gordon was there as well, oblivious to the other tensions in the room, he’d broken the ice and made her laugh. He’d made some astute observations about the project as well as lightening the heavy atmosphere.</p><p>As for Joe, well he hadn’t come to play, he’d had his game face firmly in place.</p><p>She been in awe of him as the meeting went into its second day, he’d been classic Joe MacMillan.</p><p>Something early on, she'd mainly despised, but having seen other people do it badly, she'd come to appreciate his even more honed talents.</p><p>However, at the end of day one, the jury was still out, and it looked hopeless.</p><p>She, Gordon and it seemed Tom as well, were all on one side, and Donna and Joe on the other.</p><p>That was strange in itself, as Donna had no love for Joe either, but Gordon’d nailed it when he said they were the ‘money’ people.</p><p>Tom was too in those days, but maybe he just didn’t want to see it and was obstinately supporting her.</p><p>She suspected if Joe'd been praising Sega, Tom would have torn them down as well.</p><p>The idea was interesting, but there were too many questions, was it the right time? Were they too early? Could they even work together?</p><p>As she’d said to Joe at the end of day one, it was a mess.</p><p>It neatly covered both the project and the personal side.</p><p>God, why did the two always have to be so interdependent on each other?</p><p>Both would flourish better on their own.</p><p>Business and pleasure should never mix, she thought firmly.</p><p>She’d only decided to go back the next day after talking with Bos.</p><p>He was right, it was just one more day of her life and maybe it’d be a waste of time, but it’d be better to know one way or the other if there was anything there or not.</p><p>On day two, Joe’d tirelessly worked the whole room, until he had all of them united in the palm of his hand, and they were all fired up about the possibilities of the World Wide Web.</p><p>Joe in full flow was truly a rare and beautiful thing nowadays.</p><p>She could never speak like he could.</p><p>It was actually a privilege; he didn’t let that side of himself out much any more.</p><p>She, Gordon and Donna had seen it before at COMDEX ’83, when he did the same to everyone in the suite with only a shell of the Giant.</p><p>Full of confidence, it’d been a lot of bluff, but thankfully the lure of some porn stars meant they hadn’t been called on it.</p><p>Such crazy times, she smiled to herself fondly remembering, the time that’d past allowed it to be just a pleasant memory now.</p><p>This time, he really believed in it and she could sense his earnestness, his passion.</p><p>He’d really listened all those years ago, when she’d told him to be authentic.</p><p>So, they were finally all on the same page.</p><p>Well, all except Tom, who hadn’t been invited and shouldn’t have even been there.</p><p>Tom, who’d constantly undermined Joe and purposely pushed his buttons.</p><p>She hadn't understood then what Tom'd been doing, why he was being so belligerent.</p><p>[For their marriage ... for <em>her</em>]</p><p>When he brought up MacMillan Utility on the first day, the edge in Joe’s voice was unmistakable.</p><p>She’d tried to intervene, but it just made things worse.</p><p>She knew Tom was suspicious and there was an uncomfortable wedge between them.</p><p>It was a <em>real</em> <em>mess</em>.</p><p>Then on day two, he went for Joe’s Achilles’ heel; Ryan, and her heart went into her mouth.</p><p>She’d betrayed herself by coming to Joe’s aid again.</p><p>He'd provoked Tom more by involving her, and it’d been a red rag to a bull.</p><p>Until then, Donna and Gordon hadn’t known there was something else playing out that weekend and had been in shock as the two men tussled.</p><p>Although, thankfully, Gordon’d reacted quickly to pull Tom off Joe.</p><p>What happened next was a blur, but she’d remembered screaming as Joe went through the floorboards, fearing the worst.</p><p>She was sick with panic until she saw he was moving. He was dazed and unsteady but at least he was able to walk out to the car with Gordon.</p><p>She didn’t even think about Tom until they drove off. She’d been so furious with him for starting it all.</p><p>The night she confessed, Tom told her he’d believed her when she’d said nothing had happened in Vegas, but he’d realised the strength of her feelings for Joe over that weekend, particularly after the fall.</p><p>Initially, he’d just thought it was all one-way, from Joe.</p><p>Then he’d suspected more the way they were with each other, the looks … the comments ... the way she’d been too quick to change the subject when Joe’d mentioned seeing her at COMDEX.</p><p>Tom reasoned either something had happened, had almost happened, or was going to happen, and that was why he’d been so antagonistic.</p><p>He’d apologised profusely for his behavior after the fight, blaming Joe for ‘getting in his head.’ Messing him up ...</p><p>She knew how that one went; Joe’d been doing it to her for years.</p><p>Tom’d never trusted her ex, and the thought of him going after and getting Cam had made him crazy. She knew that he was still resentful about Joe going to see his mother years ago, when he’d wanted Mutiny to sign to Westgroup.</p><p>Tom’d seen first-hand how easily Joe, the Joe before Ryan’s suicide, could manipulate people, use them to get what he wanted and not care about the carnage he left in his wake. He’d just been trying to protect her.</p><p>Tom’d even scoured her emails for any contact between them. She was grateful that all the arrangements had gone through Donna. She hadn’t known what to say to Joe anyway and thankfully, he’d had the sense not to make any direct contact. He'd only replied once on their group email to agree to the date and location.</p><p>Until she confessed, she’d let Joe take all the blame.</p><p>As he always did.</p><p>Tom’d been so rocked by it all, and her guilt overwhelmed her. She wanted to do the right thing by him, to make herself feel better again.</p><p>So to alleviate her guilt, she readily agreed to his conditions, to stay in Japan and work on saving their marriage.</p><p>She’d loved Tom, but even he’d felt the spark that happened when she and Joe were together.</p><p>It was a force of nature, and it was difficult to resist.</p><p>Nature created and then destroyed, that seemed to be her and Joe.</p><p>It destroyed her marriage with Tom.</p><p>After her decision to stay in Japan, it slowly rotted and withered from the inside, both of them feeling resentful of the other. Despite the outward appearance to the contrary with their circle of friends, and the bright lights of the success of both of their careers.</p><p>She knew she should have left him.</p><p>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Visitor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Ch 7</p><p>So what, it was inevitable that they were back together? </p><p>She didn’t want to believe that there was a higher force, unseen hands, destiny … Fate ... controlling their lives … that would mean she’d wasted so much time resisting it and him. </p><p>Did that mean they’d have been happier before?</p><p>Or did it mean everything that’d come to pass, all the pain they’d inflicted on each other, their marriages had all been part of their journey back to each other?</p><p>Who the hell knew? She couldn’t change the past or the future, there was only the present.</p><p>She sighed and got out of the bath and dried herself off. She wrapped herself in his oversized dressing gown, rolling the sleeves up and padded through his apartment. </p><p>She went to the kitchen and he’d considerately left out the coffee grounds and a mug, so she wouldn’t have to rummage. It went through her mind that he also didn’t want her to mess up his nicely ordered cupboards. </p><p>She sighed, she knew they’d have to deal with that whole thing at some point.</p><p>The digital clock on the oven read 9.37am.</p><p>While the coffee was brewing, she wandered freely, just looking around. Trying to understand him better through his possessions.</p><p>It was so different from his place in Dallas, where there’d been nothing personal in it. It showed her how much he’d changed over the years, how he’d allowed his real self to finally show. </p><p>She spotted the book, Pigeon Feathers, which he’d read a passage from yesterday. It was deep and she hadn’t fully grasped it, but plainly it was hugely significant to him. </p><p>It’d been a revelation that he was grappling with some kind of faith and he wanted to believe in something.</p><p>She didn’t know how she felt, she was still working on that.</p><p>Then that he’d thought that kids might have changed him. He’d previously been very definite on the subject. </p><p>She thought he’d just seen them as a burden, a disruption to his perfectly paired down lifestyle. He'd hated the chaos she'd inflicted with 'all her stuff' back in Dallas. She shook her head at how crazy he'd be with a two year old or a rebellious teenager under foot.</p><p>She hadn’t known he’d made the decision, so he didn’t damage them.</p><p>She had so many preconceived ideas who he was, and it was strange to realise that many had been built on sand. There was so much she didn’t know about him.</p><p>He was so private. He’d just let her, and others, see certain parts of himself and he been judged on those and his actions.</p><p>She smiled, remembering another time, when she and Gordon went to his apartment in Dallas. Gordon was exasperated, thinking Joe’d already left, completely baffled by the minimalist décor.</p><p>Joe had always been an enigma. </p><p>The truth was that rather than being empty as she’d thought, he was too full, and he kept himself walled up to stop it all spilling out.</p><p>It was a long-time habit, which she understood as she did it too.</p><p>They were more similar than she’d cared to admit. </p><p>Was that why they always seemed to gravitate towards each other?</p><p>She’d tried to deny it by blaming him, putting him down and de-humanising him.</p><p>Now, she was fascinated by him and she wanted to know him, all of him.</p><p>There would be time, this time, she thought. She hoped there would, anyway.</p><p>Fate had brought them back together, hadn’t it?</p><p>Then she spotted a framed black and white photograph of a small boy and a woman. It seemed out of place amongst his modern and Asian art. It was slightly faded, and the glass was cracked. It had to be him and his mother, neither seemed aware that a photo was being taken.</p><p>They were sat on the porch of a house, she was talking and looking down at him, and he was smiling and focused completely on her with only the side of his face showing. Cam looked closer trying make out the details. It was summer, she guessed from the clothes, he was only in shorts. He must’ve been about 4 or 5, it was hard to tell as he was already tall, but pretty young as she could see some puppy fat. She thought his slightly chubby cheeks looked cute. </p><p>She studied his mother; Joe definitely got his good looks from her. Cam’d met his father long ago and hadn’t seen much of a resemblance aside from a shared ruthlessness. His mom had the same eyes and smile, but her features were finer and more delicate. She’d have been a heartbreaker for sure.</p><p>She stared at it for a long time. Had his dad taken it? Was this the place that he’d later fallen off the roof? The happiness of the scene belied the tragedy that would later befall them. </p><p>It made her sad and she wondered if it was the only thing he had to remember her by.</p><p>Carefully replacing it, she moved off and spotted what he’d written for her for the Atari press release. His neat handwriting sprawled across the page, concisely encapsulating, and putting a positive spin on the whole nightmare situation. </p><p>She figured she’d still be writing it if he hadn’t have offered. </p><p>Unexpectedly, there was a knock on the door, and she recognised Gordon’s voice as he called out to Joe. </p><p>Fuck.</p><p>She went to open it with trepidation, she knew he’d disapprove finding her there after making his feelings known the day before yesterday. </p><p>She figured he’d already be at work, but unknown to her, he’d just met with Haley’s principal again to discuss the stress that she was obviously under and to ask for leniency in the length of her suspension. The principal was open to it only if Haley would agree to work with one of the school’s counsellors. </p><p>‘Oh,’ he exclaimed, as though seeing her here suddenly explained Joe’s absence and incommunicado of the previous day.</p><p>She steeled herself for the reprimand she knew was coming. </p><p>‘Wow, this is perfect. You didn’t waste any time, did ya?’ Gordon’s tone got angrier as he continued, and he demanded almost shouting, ‘Is he here?’</p><p>She felt backed into a corner, but it was pointless talking to him when he was like this. It would only make things worse, ‘At the office!’ she yelled back, and she slammed the door in his face.</p><p>She heard him shout, ‘That’s just perfect, Cam!’ and then the sound of his retreating footsteps as he went back down the hall. </p><p>She leaned against the door and hung her head.</p><p>She hadn’t expected that.</p><p>She still hadn’t moved but winced as she heard the slam of a car door three floors below her.</p><p>She knew he’d assume that she’d ignored his warning and gone straight to Joe anyway.</p><p>How could she explain the whole crazy day on the phone?</p><p>Joe had called her for Christ’s sake!</p><p>Anyway, what the hell was his problem? She wasn’t one of his daughters and Joe was older than him by five years, he could date whoever he wanted.</p><p>So, were they dating now? It seemed so juvenile to ask.</p><p>Neither had actually said it the first time, they’d just fallen into step with each other, like a habit.</p><p>It had been understood by everyone that they were a couple. It’d surprised both of them as well. </p><p>She guessed it’d be the same now and she resolved to enjoy it more this time around.</p><p>Despite Gordon.</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The First Night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning - discussion of suicide</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Ch. 8</p><p>(First night together at his)</p><p>In the afternoon, Cam had taken Joe’s advice and gone out to explore the neighborhood.</p><p>She wanted to get something for him, to say thank you for letting her stay.</p><p>He brought a selection of Chinese dishes back, not knowing her preference and the leftovers would go neatly into the fridge for lunch the next day.</p><p>‘Red or white?’ he said proffering two bottles.</p><p>‘Errm … I bought some beer … but you choose, and I’ll have some.’ she drank wine, but beer was still her drink of choice, especially with take out.</p><p>‘No, beer’s perfect,’ he smiled.</p><p>They shared snippets about their day as they sat eating.</p><p>She told him about how angry Gordon'd been at finding her there, but she didn’t tell him how worried Gordon'd been about him in their previous discussions. She didn't want to rock the boat between the two friends and business partners.</p><p>Joe told her what had happened the day before, and that Gordon was also worried about the business and Haley. He omitted to mention the reprimand he'd got from Gordon as well, not wanting to stress her out even more.</p><p>She was glad that there were other reasons for Gordon’s stress not just her with Joe.</p><p>But she was concerned when Joe said that stress exacerbated his symptoms. Despite their fight, she was still concerned for his health.</p><p>Then Joe excitedly told her about Haley’s Comet and what she’d done when she’d been suspended from school. She could tell that he was fired up and she was excited and nervous for him at the same time.</p><p>Here we go again, another trip around the merry-go-round, she thought to herself. She was glad she was just watching this time.</p><p>She was really impressed about Haley, she knew Gordon’s youngest daughter was interested in coding, but didn’t know how serious she was about it.</p><p>Cam realised that with Donna and Gordon as her parents, computers and games were just something that had always been around her growing up.</p><p>Cam had started around 11 or 12, but she hadn’t been surrounded by it, like Haley was.</p><p>Wow, to be that good at 14 and be around people who believed in you and at this time in tech … what potential she had.</p><p>Cam was more than a little envious of her, truth be told.</p><p>‘OK, no more work talk!’ she smiled at him, ‘I’ve got something for you,’ she couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice, and she got up to go and get it.</p><p>'For me? Oh, OK!’ his face lit up and his eyes followed her.</p><p>She went to get two glasses and the bottle of whisky, a Glenfiddich 18-year-old single malt. The guy in the liquor store had said it was comparable to the Glenmorangie, the only brand she could remember from the selection he had in Dallas.</p><p>It was pretty expensive, but she didn’t mind, she was looking forward to seeing his face light up.</p><p>Old Joe had been a connoisseur of fine things and she hoped the guy was right.</p><p>She’d developed a taste for whisky over the years too. She was surprised how popular it’d been in Japan.</p><p>She walked back in almost bouncing in anticipation, hiding it behind her, ‘I want to celebrate this … us …’ she said, her eyes shining.</p><p>God, she felt like a little kid, looking at his bemused face, OK here goes, ‘Da daa ... ’ she said theatrically and presented the bottle to him.</p><p>His smile vanished when he saw it and he tried to cover it up by smiling again, but it was too late.</p><p>‘Joe? What’s wrong?’ she put everything down and sat alongside him. She didn’t know what’d just happened, but the room suddenly felt cold.</p><p>He opened his mouth a couple of times, as though he was going to speak. He was still staring at the bottle.</p><p>‘Joe!’ and she put her hand on his and she moved forward, so she was in his eye line.</p><p>His eyes met hers and he seemed to come out of his trance.</p><p>‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, full of concern.</p><p>He exhaled forcefully. She watched his eyes blink rapidly as he tried to compose himself.</p><p>‘Joe? Hey? What’s going on?’</p><p>He placed his other hand on hers and shook his head.</p><p>‘No, nothing …, sorry …’ but he had an odd look on his face.</p><p>‘That wasn’t ‘nothing’!’ she insisted, ‘This was supposed to be a celebration …’ she ventured, feeling unnerved.</p><p>He tried smiling again, it was still a little forced, ‘Sorry … it’s just the last time I ... drank that brand … was the day … Ryan died …’ his voice was quiet and faltering.</p><p>‘Oh my God, Joe! … I’m sorry … I didn’t know …’ she started.</p><p>Fuck!</p><p>What were the chances?</p><p>‘No, of course, you didn’t know.’ he exhaled, ‘I’m sorry, Cam, it just caught me by surprise, that’s all. Thank you, it’s a lovely gesture.’ He paused and her heart rate went up, ‘C’mon, let’s celebrate.’ he forced a smiled.</p><p>She looked at him, he seemed to mean it, 'OK,' encouraged by him, she opened the bottle and poured a glass for them both, ‘The store didn’t have Glenmorangie, sorry.’ she rushed out.</p><p>‘Cameron, it’s fine honestly.’ his eyes softened again, he hadn’t meant to be so sharp with her.</p><p>She gave him his and raised hers, 'To you, thank you for giving this homeless coder a home.’ and smiled at him.</p><p>He laughed at ‘homeless coder,' 'You’re welcome.’ and chinked his glass to hers.</p><p>They both drank.</p><p>Cam took a large gulp, needing the courage after what’d just happened.</p><p>Wow, it <em>was</em> seriously good whisky, she thought, as the alcohol warmed her innards.</p><p>She rolled it around on her tongue, as she’d been taught when she visited a distillery in Japan.</p><p>She could detect the spiced fruit and salted sweetness, toffee? That the label promised.</p><p>He only had a small sip and made a face.</p><p>He didn't want to ruin her mood by saying he’d given it up as he'd lost himself in bottle after bottle for about six months after Ryan.</p><p>She was stunned, ‘What? So, you don’t go to parties and you don’t drink whisky anymore either? Who are you?’</p><p>He’d been the one to introduce her to it, back in the bar the first day they’d met.</p><p>He looked at her, ‘Well, I haven’t for a long time … but it’s fine … really. And thank you for agreeing to move in and gracing my humble abode with your lovely presence.’ he raised his glass to her in another toast, smiling.</p><p>She giggled at his formality and they drank again. She noticed that he only had a sip once more and grimaced again.</p><p>He sighed and put the glass down. She could see it in his face, he was thinking of Ryan.</p><p>‘Hey, you wanna talk about it? About what happened that day? I wanna know about your life, Joe, the good and ... the bad, if it’s not too painful for you to go there that is …’</p><p>He looked at her and then away as if deciding.</p><p>‘Sorry, dumb idea, of course you don’t want to.’</p><p>‘No, it’s OK. I like that you want to know.’ he moved to sit on the carpet in front of the couch, ‘C’mon down here,’ and he patted the space next to him. She moved down, liking this new intimacy between them.</p><p>He swallowed and got quiet.</p><p>She sat still, knowing this would be rough on him.</p><p>‘So, it’s been, what? Seven years - Jesus - it still feels like yesterday. Some things are a complete blur, like the days afterwards, the funeral and all the questions from the authorities, but some things I’ll never forget …’</p><p>She took another sip of her whisky and nursed it in her hands, patiently waiting for him to continue.</p><p>‘He was so angry with me the night before; he broke into my apartment and was waiting for me. He accused me of cutting him out of the NSFNET deal that I’d just started working on with Gordon. He’d previously hacked my emails and gone to the guy we’d been sounding out. I’d always intended to bring him in, once he was finally out of MacMillan Utility, I was just trying to protect him, the least he knew the better at that point. … I know I’ve done some calous things over the years and God knows it sounded like something that ‘Joe MacMillan’ would do, but I swear I was never going to do that …’</p><p>He trailed off and ran his fingers through his hair.</p><p>‘But then he released the source code, and I had to distance myself from him or risk getting taken down too. If he’d just talked to me and waited.’ he exhaled, the exasperation he'd felt back then pricking him anew.</p><p>She nodded, ‘He was … impulsive and so young …’</p><p>She winced inwardly, thinking back to the things she’d said to him after COMDEX ’83, taking the business move as a personal affront, the same as Ryan had.</p><p>But Gordon and Joe had known it’d been the right move to take out her OS, but she’d been too close to it and didn’t have the larger world view that she had now she was older.</p><p>Youth was indeed wasted on the young, she thought.</p><p>He nodded, with sadness in his eyes.</p><p>‘Do you know he came to the ‘Are You Safe’ launch and then looked for me for every morning for two weeks straight, getting up at 5 a.m. and going to every surfable beach in the Bay until he found me?’</p><p>‘Wow! Really? Geez … You must have really made an impression …’</p><p>‘Hmmhh, yeah, apparently so.’ he said with a slight smile, ‘Then, he hacked MacMillan Utility’s mainframe and arranged a meeting with me every morning for a week. Can you believe that?’ he shook his head in wonder.</p><p>‘See, I told you, talented …’ she agreed.</p><p>‘Yeah, and tenacious. I turned him down twice. I actually just wanted to work with Gordon, so during one of his deposition meetings, I offered him a 70% stake, but he turned me down flat. Frankly, it pissed me off so I went after Ryan purely to spite him. I didn’t do it to spite you,’ he added softly, ‘Did you know I’d called Gordon about running it together too, before leaving Texas? He told me he was going to work for Mutiny and that pissed me off too. I didn’t know it was an ultimatum from Donna, for their marriage. Did you?’</p><p>‘I knew some, but Gordon told me more when I stayed with him after the party. We were just reminiscing, and he put me right on a few things. Maybe him and Donna would’ve got divorced sooner, if he hadn’t. There was me, and everyone, blaming you for stealing his idea and running with it and I didn’t know, or I didn’t want to know your side.’ she shook her head and sighed, ‘Yeah, life’s funny, huh?’</p><p>‘Real funny.’ he deadpanned and then gave a small laugh, ‘But it wasn’t how I wanted it to go down. So I moved forward alone, well as alone as you can with a board of directors watching your every move like a hawk.’ he eyed her, knowingly, ‘You were right to resist going public with Mutiny.’</p><p>‘Yeah, but the money’s the draw, right? And in business there's so much uncertainty.'</p><p>‘Yeah, it sure is.’ he took his whisky and sipped, holding the liquid in his mouth this time before swallowing this time, ‘Hmmm, I’d forgotten how good it is …’ he looked at her, then away, and almost in a monotone, ‘… I drank nearly the whole bottle that evening, the one after ...’</p><p>He was staring at the glass he was nursing, gently swilling the liquid around.</p><p>She waited but he didn’t continue, ‘Listen, if it’s too much, it’s OK.’</p><p>‘No, no,’ he sighed, he re-started, but sounded far off, ‘That morning, I woke up to knocking on the front door ... It was a little after 7 a.m. and on my way … I saw the sheets and blanket all folded neatly, I’d made up the sofa for him before I went to bed …’ he swallowed, ‘So, I just assumed he’d left in the night and I went to the door … there were a bunch of police and Feds … I didn’t understand what was going on, I remember saying that he wasn’t there, but there was something off about them … I just couldn’t … I didn’t know … then,’ he exhaled, ‘Then I heard sirens from the street, but they were louder than they should’ve been.’ his brow furrowed, ‘I turned and went back to the sofa and that’s when I saw the balcony door open and I got why it was so cold and then … I just knew …’ his shoulders sagged.</p><p>Cam was quiet as she listened to him, she couldn’t imagine how he’d felt.</p><p>‘Then it’s all bit of a blur after that,’ Joe admitted, ‘He’d left my computer on and … one of them spotted his message first. … They started to rule out any … foul play … dusting for prints … asked me the same questions a bunch of different ways over and over, but they concluded it was suicide …’</p><p>She realised he meant they’d thought he’d had something to do with Ryan’s death. Wow, she’d hadn’t even thought about that.</p><p>‘They asked if there was anyone I could call, to be with me, I guess I didn’t look so good … and so, I called Gordon … he came as soon as he could and stayed with me most of the day, … ‘Til he had to go get the girls anyway.’</p><p>She realised that despite the betrayals, Joe and Gordon’s friendship had survived all the weathering over the years, and they were both better for it.</p><p>Whatever happened between them, Joe’d always respected the other man’s genius and tried to do the right thing by him, eventually.</p><p>They were more accepting of each other’s flaws than she was able to be.</p><p>Forgiveness was something that she was still working on. It still felt like a knife in her heart when she thought about Donna.</p><p>Her solution was to ignore the other woman, but as she got older, she realised that it was the connection with people in her life that made everything worthwhile.</p><p>It was the same conclusion that Joe had come to as well.</p><p>She listened as he continued again, ‘I went out for a walk, I just had to get out of there and I don’t really why but found myself back at the surf beach where I’d first met him …’</p><p>He took a deeper sip of the whisky, appreciating it now, ‘When I got back, I went out onto the balcony and looked down ... I could still see the … st … stain … even through they'd cleaned it up.’ he was transfixed by the glass again, watching the reflections of the lights play on the surface of the light amber liquid, ‘I wanted to stop myself feeling anything ... so, I sat out there and just drank and drank ... Then things got pretty bleak, but I remember feeling … so out there, like if I stayed there, I’d do the same thing … like I wasn’t in control any more … it scared me.’ He paused before continuing, ‘So I literally crawled back inside and just cried. I did a lot of crying ... and drinking.’</p><p>She was stunned by his frankness and could only nod and press herself into him.</p><p>It was moments like this she wished she was better with people. Better able to give him some kind of solace in his time of need, then and now.</p><p>She’d tried to imagine how she would’ve felt, being in Joe’s shoes. She’d been up early that day too, as Mutiny went public on Wall Street and she was reeling from the failure of its stock.</p><p>She’d seen Ryan’s post and but had thought was simply a warning; it was only after she heard the news that she’d realised what it actually was.</p><p>She’d been worried about Ryan too, but about him going to jail, but not that, not suicide. He'd been one of her coder monkeys, even though she’d thought he’d betrayed her by going to work for Joe, she’d still cared about him.</p><p>Tom’d asked if she wanted to go to his funeral and he would’ve changed their flights, but she knew it would’ve derailed her completely. She wasn’t in a good place herself, having just been ousted from Mutiny by her 'so-called' friends.</p><p>Not one of them, not even Bos had voted with her, but this wasn't the time to think about that now.</p><p>She hated funerals anyway, her dad’s one had such an overpowering impact on her as a nine year old. She didn’t want to feel that overwhelming sadness or be around others grieving too.</p><p>She wouldn’t have known how to handle seeing Ryan’s family or the rest of the coders in such circumstances.</p><p>But a major factor in her decision had been to avoid him.</p><p>Joe on an even keel had a destabilising enough effect on her, unhinged Joe would’ve pushed her somewhere she wasn’t willing to go.</p><p>She knew as she'd been there before with him, only this time, she also was dealing with a tragedy all of her own with Mutiny.</p><p>It would have been a disaster, them both being at low points.</p><p>So, for self-protection, she took the easy way out and left for Japan with Tom.</p><p>‘I just couldn’t, still can’t, understand why he felt that was the only option he had …’ and he put the glass down and opened his hands, exasperated.</p><p>‘I know ... we’ll never know.’ she told him softly, slipping her hand into his closest one.</p><p>‘I offered him $50K to disappear, but the network would’ve gone too. He didn’t want that … and if he’d turned himself in, he’d have probably only served 1-2 years, but been banned from using a computer for 5 …’</p><p>She imagined facing that, coding was her life the same way it’d been for Ryan. What would she do if she couldn’t code for 5 years?</p><p>‘But that wasn’t the thing that seemed to upset him the most, it was when I said we wouldn’t be able to work together again. That’s when he got really angry and called me a hypocrite … I don’t know what else I was supposed to have said to him … should I have lied? Said what he’d wanted to hear?’</p><p>There was a real desperation in his voice, as though he was asking her opinion.</p><p>‘He’d made his own bed. Joe … it wasn’t you, OK?’ she said gently, feeling his anguish, but wanting to reassure him.</p><p>He nodded and put his hand over hers. It took him a while to start again, and she watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed, trying to re-calibrate.</p><p>‘I said we’d talk in the morning … he just looked exhausted; I was going to make him a good breakfast, give him a proper meal, he looked like he'd lost weight … talk some more … I never thought that would be the last time I’d see him …' he trailed off briefly, before starting again, stronger this time, 'You know one of the things that I just can’t shake? I woke up early, I was going to check on him, but it was just before 6 and I figured he needed the sleep … they said he jumped about half an hour later …’</p><p>‘Oh God …' she imagined how that would weigh on him, on anyone.</p><p>She saw a tear roll down his face, they’d been welling up in his eyes as he’d been talking, and she was surprised they hadn’t spilled out before.</p><p>Growing up, she’d thought that crying as a sign of weakness, she’d found it easier to go to rage, especially with her mom.</p><p>But as she got older, she’d softened, and she found just she didn’t trust anyone, particularly guys, who weren’t in touch with their feelings.</p><p>She liked that Joe was, although maybe he was too emotional at times.</p><p>How ironic, that she’d previously implied he was 'soulless.'</p><p>She mused that she’d inadvertently created a monster when she’d told him he had to be authentic when he lied about his scars all those years ago.</p><p>He took some deep breaths trying to release the emotions that had come up from the depths.</p><p>‘Hey, it’s OK,’ she suddenly felt guilty for making him relive all of it and she tenderly wrapped herself around him. She kissed his cheek and kept her face next to his.</p><p>It was strange, she'd always felt she was bad at comforting and awkward with people, but it was easy with him now. Just her presence seemed to sooth him.</p><p>He leaned into to her and continued once he was able. His voice was soft, barely more than a whisper, ‘You know, he posted that message just before midnight, I really just hope he’d got some sleep in that time, although I doubt it. Can you imagine, being in your own head, just going over everything, over and over?’ he exhaled and brought a hand up to hold her arm, to re-connect with her.</p><p>‘Maybe that’s why he jumped.’ she ventured.</p><p>He nodded slowly, obviously a conclusion he’d come to too.</p><p>‘If I’d just said no, fired him … I don’t know, Cam, but I can’t help thinking that it was my fault, you know?’ he turned his head slightly, so he could look at her, his eyes next to hers.</p><p>She felt her tears start to form and angrily pushed them back down. She had enough of her own stuff going on, and she wouldn’t go there now for someone now so long dead. Besides, she suspected it was more over seeing him so upset.</p><p>She’d known Ryan too, he’d been a giant pain in the butt at Mutiny, brilliant, but a pain, nonetheless.</p><p>He’d jumped because everything had been too much, he’d taken the easy way out. Heck, she ... Joe ... had been through much more and they were still here. Living was harder.</p><p>‘Joe, it wasn’t your fault. He’d have probably just bugged you some more anyway. Like you said, tenacious … annoyingly so.’ she exhaled, ‘He made some errors and that was really unfortunate, but at the end of the day, he was the only one who jumped. You didn’t push him. We’ve all had tough times, much tougher, and we've got through them.’</p><p>She knew she sounded harsh, but she couldn’t dwell on it, it wouldn’t help anything.</p><p>‘Yeah, I know, I know,’ he said, resigned, ‘It just goes round and round in my head sometimes, that’s all.’</p><p>‘I get it. It’s fucked up and it shouldn’t have happened, but that’s life, right? The winds of fate, or whatever?’ she tried to smile.</p><p>‘Yeah … life …’ he rested his head back against the couch, so he could look at her better, and smiled sadly, ‘Maybe it was exactly what I needed, to change, to be better, you know? I don’t know if that’s a selfish way to look at it, but everything afterwards, the fall out, it wasn’t all about Ryan.'</p><p>This was what he'd been trying to tell her all those years ago on the mezzanine at COMDEX '90, when she'd interrupted him to tell him she thought he created change. That she thought it was really great.</p><p>Finally giving him validation.</p><p>It'd completely stunned him, re-energised him.</p><p>'I’d just kept going, pushing myself, through everything that’d happened to me over the years. I knew even before it happened, that the way I was living ... was … self-destructive ... and I look back and wonder if they were all just wake-up calls that I’d kept ignoring. ... They just kept getting bigger and bigger until I had to stop and listen ...’ he looked at her searching her face to see if she understood, ‘I crashed for a long time after, Cam, but I had a lot to stuff to work through.’ he smiled softly at her.</p><p>She put her head on one side, looking at him for a while, as if trying to decide something.</p><p>She asked the question she'd been longing to, ‘Did you ever think … or ever actually try to end it?’ she was apprehensive of his answer.</p><p>Gordon had reached out to her a couple of years after it’d happened, urging her to get in contact with Joe, fearing that he would. He'd believed Cam to be the only one to get through to him, but she'd stayed away and ignored them both.</p><p>He’d done some crazy things over the years. Although, as far as she knew, self-harm hadn’t actually been one of them. Still 2 years on after Ryan’s death, Gordon'd been really worried about his mental state.</p><p>She felt the weight of guilt now about refusing to help him back then. She’d been selfish and she’d only worried about the effect on her through reconnecting with him.</p><p>She was surprised when he finally replied, ‘Sure, I thought about it. I think everyone thinks about it at their bleakest. But thinking about it and doing it are two very different things. Actually, I don’t think I’m the type.’</p><p>He decided to not to say that he'd floored his truck, closed his eyes and taken his hands off the wheel for less than a minute the day he'd signed his divorce papers. Sara'd left after believing that he'd sabotaged her father with the Sonaris disk.</p><p>He figured Cam would only blame herself if he brought that all up. Besides, he didn't really think it'd really been a suicide attempt, it was some strange out-of-character flip-out maybe due to the fall out of everything. But he knew that in that brief loss of reason, a person could do anything, jump off a balcony for example.</p><p>She straightened, ‘Really? Why not?’ she didn’t think she was either, but was curious to find out his reasons.</p><p>He snorted through his nose, ‘Hmmm, well, believe it or not, l love life too much, even after everything it’s thrown at me,’ and he raised his eyebrows and then reconsidered, ‘Or I’m just coward.’ and he smiled at her, allowing his teeth to show, a real smile for once.</p><p>She laughed, ‘I don’t think you’re coward …’ She thought he was braver than her, and he always had been.</p><p>His smile froze on his face before vanishing completely, and she wondered what was coming next.</p><p>He hesitated before continuing, his jaw tightening, ‘I had an HIV scare a few months before … everything … back in the July of that year. This guy I’d been sleeping with told me he had it … so I went and got tested ...’ he held her gaze, watching her reaction.</p><p>She tried to hide her shock; she knew that would have brought up a lot of stuff for him.</p><p>‘I was absolutely convinced I was positive. I hadn’t been very …’ and he looked away from her as if searching for the right word, ‘… careful ... ever, really.’ and he looked at her meaningfully.</p><p>Something about the way he spoke, unnerved her.</p><p>‘It doesn't sound much now, but that week of waiting for the results was the just longest ever, Ryan was working with me at mine, but I was in a … daze most of the time … I was thinking of Simon … and everyone else I’d known who’d died and watching them suffer though everything … and for all … the money I had … the company I’d built … the success,’ he laughed hollowly, ‘… None of it mattered. And I was going to die alone at 38 … all alone, because I was an arrogant, self-centred, selfish narcissist and everyone, <em>everyone</em> … that I cared about … the few friends I’d ever had; Gordon, you … ,' he swallowed, she could see the tears shining in his eyes again now, but he carried on regardless, his voice strong, ‘I’d stomped on and alienated, and no-one cared about me. I just kept thinking that everyone … you,’ he changed his voice when he spoke about her, and it tugged at her heartstrings, ‘…would be glad to hear about my … demise … and that nothing … <em>nothing</em> ... I’d done in my life had any value …’</p><p>He looked away and the tears spilled down his cheeks unchecked.</p><p>Tears came into her eyes now as she spoke through the lump in her throat, ‘No, Joe, that’s not …’ she started, but he shook his head, stopping her.</p><p>‘It’s OK Cam, it <em>was</em> true. The point is that when I got the call, that I was negative, it was a real shock … and the sense of relief that I was going to live was just … so amazing.’ He wiped the tears away quickly, ‘I went out on my balcony, looked out at the Bay in the sunshine and it felt like I’d been given another chance. I wanted to live and that started me on the long bumpy road to change. Ryan dying was all part of that too and I had to just stop, re-evaluate everything and change the way I was living.’</p><p>She was stunned, she hadn’t known any of this.</p><p>She realised that she hadn’t been a very good friend to him.</p><p>‘Did Gordon know?’</p><p>‘He didn’t at the time, but I told him after I gave him the company and when we started working together again. He told me he was sick too then and that was just such a ... a huge blow.’ he exhaled forcefully, ‘I couldn’t imagine living with that, and it was caused by what he loved, it's … so … <em>fucking</em> unfair.’ He shock his head angrily.</p><p>‘Yeah, I know, right?’</p><p>They sat in silence for a while contemplating Gordon.</p><p>He really cared about him and it was plain that it went both ways.</p><p>She understood why Gordon had been so mad at her earlier, she hadn’t understood what life had been like for Joe.</p><p>Gordon’d seen him go through all of it and he didn’t want to see his friend to go backwards again.</p><p>She didn’t either.</p><p>All of this time, she’d thought more about herself and the hurt she felt.</p><p>She knew she'd been selfish.</p><p>This business … it exacted a heavy price from all of them.</p><p>She’d resolved to be a better friend to him, to love him as he’d loved her over the years.</p><p>Joe picked up the bottle and poured another measure into her glass. He took his up again and proposed another toast, ‘To the roller-coaster that is life, and bringing you back into mine.’</p><p>‘Ahh, yes, life.’ she chinked his glass, and they drank.</p><p>She smiled, she was touched by his words, he’d said yesterday that he wanted to know her in his life.</p><p>Cam decided that she wanted the same.</p><p>She decided to propose one of her own, ‘To the roller-coaster that is friendship, and to our renewed one.’ she raised her glass.</p><p>‘Are you trying to get me drunk, Miss Howe?’ he smiled playfully, but he put his glass to hers and held her gaze, ‘To friendship.’</p><p>They drank.</p><p>‘Oh, absolutely!’ she took his glass and put both down on the table.</p><p>Then she turned to him, giving him what she hoped was a seductive look and laid her hands on his chest, letting her fingers stroke the skin at the base of his throat, which she knew was a soft spot for him, ‘So how about we go try out that big bed of yours, Mr. MacMillan?’</p><p>‘Ah well, that does sound good, but it involves moving ... I’m confident that we’ll get there … eventually.’ and he leaned in and kissed her, pushing her down on to the carpet, 'As well as all the other rooms ... and the washing machine ...' and he smiled broadly.</p><p>‘Oh! Well OK, then.’ she laughed loudly, remembering a lust-filled stormy weekend long ago.</p><p>She was going to really enjoy living with him.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you enjoyed Cam comforting Joe, it was really nice to write.<br/>I've updated and sprinkled the series with more detail about whisky and linked back to the still in-progress 'Curious'.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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